Healing Me[n]. . .Part 1
“Dr. Marty…I’m curious about your perspective on what happened to me” I asked my chiropractor/nutritionist, though he is so much more than that to and for me. I treasure my check-ins with him as at this point we mainly talk about Life, Philosophy, Energy, etc. And I can go there with him in terms of what may be considered out there to some folks.
I had just described an experience I had during an evening not too long ago while I was in that state just before sleep. I could feel something major happening in and around me. I was even preparing myself to have some sort siting…a visitation from something/someone…the energy was that palpable.
“You have a hole" he said nonchalantly (typical) after doing some muscle testing and whatever else he does to tap into his intuitive magick.
“What?!?” I asked while laying on his adjustment table.
“You released some anger…and there’s a hole where it used to be. You just gotta fill it…fill it with light…You took on some things from a couple [male relatives] in your life…that made you angry…and you’ve let a lot of that go.”
I meditated on his words while finishing up my treatment in another room, and I thought about the two individuals in my life that he could be referring. And I prayed out loud for the ability to forgive them for the behaviors they played out with the women in their lives that I found to be disdainful and had allowed to color my view of them specifically, men in general, and myself. I also had to have compassion for me; and I spoke words of forgiveness to myself for attaching to these negative beliefs. And finally, I prayed to heal any discordance in my family (living and in the realm of Egun) pertaining to relationships between men and women.
How coincidental (well, synchronistic) that I would be having this conversation. Less than a week prior I had spoken to a potential companion about some mind activity that had bubbled to the surface in light of my sentiment—part anxiety, part annoyance— about the lack of contact between us for a couple weeks. “Wow, that’s pretty harsh,” he said a bit surprised, though surprisingly neutral, when I voiced the idea of being considered dispensable. Not one bit of that idea existed for him about me. In fact, the opposite. His encouragement to look deeper into what was generating those thoughts combined with his ability to not personalize my words stood out to me. I appreciated him. And my delving into the negative beliefs has led me to much discovery, healing, and reconciliation—within me.
"Ogun wants you to be mindful of hidden anger..." my Baba had said to me a few years ago. In that moment I had a sense of what he was referring to on some levels and considered ways I could be more in my awareness about it. His words have stayed with me. And over time, I have been fortunate to identify the subtle ways in which the anger hides out in me.
And when I considered that what initially may have been anger no longer was that emotion but something else, I was able to see even more. You see, true anger only lasts for a few moments. It is fleeting. It is like a fire that is quickly ignited in order to provide illumination, propel one into action. Past that and when left to sit or solidify, it becomes another thing. And that is, to me, what most of us are holding onto.
A great deal of unresolved anger regarding men had been festering within me—some held so deep within that I wasn’t fully aware of it, and some simmering just beneath the surface. I've recognized that because I didn’t express or move through this fiery emotion, it became bitterness, sadness, disappointment, and other things. And while some of it was due to experiences I had directly, some it it was based on what I witnessed (or made up) in the experiences of others.
Bitter sweet seems to be an appropriate description (to this current version of me) for how my relationship with men had/has been, as I must also acknowledge all of the good. I have had beautiful platonic and non-platonic experiences and relationships with men in almost 40 decades on Earth. Some of the teachers that have been the most influential in my life have been men. The words of men at various times in my life have come at just the right moments to shift me into another way of seeing things to bring peace of mind. I’ve had male family members, friends, acquaintances, and strangers that have shown up to support and hold space for me when I needed it.
Really, it has all been good—even what my mind has judged as negative. Because it has all either reaffirmed or revealed to me what I prefer and don’t prefer. And sweetening the residual bitter is the work I am seeking out today. It is the work in which I am actually engaged.
I'm grateful for the ability and courage to continue healing myself in all of the ways that are necessary. Filling any spaces that were once occupied with negative beliefs and darkness—that does not serve me—with light, joy, and love is part of my path. I am looking forward to the journey of healing my relationship with and to men. I also see that a lot of men need healing. So much is geared towards women, which I think is absolutely necessary as much has been done to violate us. Yet, I see an imbalance when it comes to work that is geared towards men...spaces being held specifically for them.
Perhaps I can help...be of service. Whether through thought, word, or deed. Shifting the ideas that I have attached to about men. Transforming the beliefs I have about myself as it relates to them. Releasing or neutralizing anything charged that is not in alignment with what I prefer when it comes to them. Providing space for men to speak, feel, be silent, cry…whatever else is needed in order for them to just be as they are unto themselves.
Me…Men…Our mutual healing is inextricably linked—as I heal myself, I help them heal…as I help them heal, I heal myself…re-connect to and continue to balance and integrate my male and masculine energies.
I’m here for them. I’m here for you.